Alight
by Rolivianna
Summary: One afternoon of passion sets alight a flame that neither women knew was there. Rolivia. R&R. M rating for possible later chapters. No Noah, Jesse or Frannie Mae. Set in current season.
1. Chapter 1

**This story goes with the song "K." By Cigarettes After Sex. I suggest you give it a listen while/before/after you read this to get the full, melancholic/ lazy love effect of this story.**

She watches Olivia sip her coffee silently, eyes focusing on the brown liquid in her white mug.

They make eye contact after a few moments of nothing; and she can see it. The way brown eyes delve deeply and curiously into her blue ones. Amanda can see- _feel-_ the depth of the older woman's adoration.

Though Olivia'll never admit it.

It's awkward, silent, they haven't muttered a single word to each other since they left Olivia's apartment. Neither women know what to say, really. Everything had changed earlier that day. Professional relationship be damned, there's something bigger between them.

They'd made love earlier that day. It had been, as Olivia put it, no strings attached. Of course, to Amanda, that was complete bullshit. Because even as Amanda made Olivia come for the second time in a row, the way the older woman gasped and searched deep in cerulean eyes, she knew that it had _all changed._

"You done?" She hears, and she's throttled back into present time. The wary look in her companion's eyes tell her that she's aware of everything the younger woman had been thinking.

 _No, I'm not done._

"I've got it this time." Olivia continues, pulling out her wallet, quivering fingers sifting through various bills.

"I.." Amanda starts, stopping the brunette's actions momentarily. "There were strings.." She whispers, eyes cast down at her fiddling digits. She doesn't hear a response, just the shallow breathing of her lieutenant.

Olivia'd tugged at a heart string when she kissed the blonde, then another when she touched her, then when she tasted her, and finally when she muttered those soft words… _Stay with me._ Amanda had been slipping out of bed to leave, to give Olivia space. She'd tugged at billions of strings, sending Amanda into a reckless freefall.

 _Amanda,_ she'd though, _Go right back, She's been waiting for you, to slip back in bed._ So instead of leaving, instead of giving this woman space, she lit a candle, crawled back into that big, comfortable bed, and kissed her lover.

She fell back into her thoughts, the memory of the sweet pillow talk that took place only hours before they sit here in this restaurant.

" _I think I like you.." Amanda whispers, lips turned up in a shy smile. She licks Olivia's bottom lip as the older woman lets out a breathy chuckle. "Just when you're with me.. And nobody else." The blonde finishes, fingers dragging up a curvaceous waist._

" _I've been waiting for this.." The brunette admits shyly, wrapping a leg around the other woman's slender body. She turns them over, straddling Amanda intimately, and they kiss slowly, sensually, memorizing the taste and feel and scent and essence of their honey laced passion._

It was just as good as Amanda had imagined, maybe better.

"Amanda?" Olivia mutters, leaning forward. "I think you're right."

It stuns the younger woman momentarily. But Olivia continues, and it's words that the blonde is expecting to follow.

"But.. This can't go any further.. I just... _I'm your boss_.."

The detective nods, swallowing quickly. "I know."

"Do you want a ride home?" The brunette asks nervously, and Amanda knows that the older woman doesn't know how to finish a conversation that shouldn't even be had. She understands. So she gives Olivia an out.

"I think I want to walk. Clear my head."

"Okay.."

The younger woman gets up, shouldering her purse and folding her jacket over her forearm. From this angle, she can see what looks like one of many love bites on the swell of the other woman's breast, and a torrent of arousal and emotion flood through her. She needs to get out of here.

"Thanks for Dinner." She whispers, avoiding the blazing brown eyes, which are undoubtedly full of sorrow and, yes, adoration, before turning and walking out of the nearly empty diner.

 **I think that maybe this could be the start of a new story…**

 **We'll see. Favorites, Follows and Reviews will decide… ;)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Here's a second chapter… A little longer. Thank you all for the wonderful reviews!**

 **This chapter is titled 'affection'. Another song by Cigarettes After Sex. ;) Can you tell that I like them?**

 _It's affection, always_

 _Are you gonna see it someday?_

 _My attention's on you_

 _Even if it's not what you need_

The echo of the lock on her front door reverberates off the barren walls of her apartment, and she feels the onset of sadness wash over her once again.

After she left the diner, she stopped at a bodega for a pack of cigarettes, which would most likely end up not being smoked. Instead, she'd watch as the heat would burn through the paper and tobacco, the pungent smelling smoke curling up into the chilly October air.

She'd taken her time walking home, lighting one cigarette after the other in effort to distract her mind from going back to earlier that day.

Somehow though, her thoughts ended up back at Olivia's apartment, in her room, her bed, and that same feeling of euphoria cascaded over her like a thin veil. She'd give anything to be back in that moment again, carefree, making love with reckless abandon and fervor. She shook her head, flicking the silver zip lighter open and closed. She remembered pulling that same lighter out of her pocket, lighting the sweet scented candle and setting it on the nightstand by the bed.

And then they kissed to the scent of vanilla and caramel. And that kiss turned into touching, and then tasting, and moaning and….

She let out a sharp breath, tossing the burnt out cigarette onto the wet pavement.

Now, back in her quiet apartment, she lets the silence engulf her. She pulls the lighter out of her pocket and flicks it open, watching the tiny flame burn, the transparent black smoke drifting off of the tip of the light, and she sighs; which effectively blows the flame out.

She can't think about how Olivia called her name, or pulled her hair, or scratched her back, because tomorrow, it's back to the daily grind. Their one day off had been spent at Olivia's apartment and the diner. Something in her knew when she showed up at her boss' house alone, that something would change between them. She knew it shouldn't have happened, but she can't help but want it again. And again. And again.

She shucks her jacket off finally, and then her shoes and belt. No use in trying not to think about what had happened. She knows it's fairly early, but the thought of snuggling up in her bed and sleeping as long as possible sounds incredibly enticing, so she doesn't deny herself.

It's little pleasures like this that keep her sane. And after what she and Olivia did, she'd need the little pleasures, as often as possible.

…

"Morning, guys," Olivia gives her team a brief smile while walking briskly into the room. She and Amanda make eye contact, and it takes everything in the blonde not to stand up and follow her boss into her office.

"Morning." She mutters softly, eyes following the movement of the lieutenant's hips... Those same hips she'd gripped, held down, scratched. She watches until Olivia is safely behind the closed door of her office.

She blinks rapidly, averting her gaze back to her desk; safe territory. Leaving Olivia yesterday in that diner had been hard enough, all she wanted to do after she set foot on the pavement was turn right back, walk inside that empty diner, and kiss the older woman until nothing else mattered.

To Amanda, _nothing_ meant more than Olivia. Not now. Not after yesterday.

"You okay, Blondie?" Fin asks softly, staring across their desks.

Amanda lets out a short chuckle and nods, shaking her head. "Yeah, just thinkin' too much as usual."

Her partner lets out a knowing 'ah' and turns back to his share of DD5's. She'll always be thankful for Fin. He knows when something's wrong but doesn't pry.

She settles in for a long day, knowing that after what's happened with Olivia, every day around that brown eyed, mysteriously beautiful woman will be agonizing. Simply for the fact that Amanda now knows exactly what she tastes like when she comes. And what she looks like when she's in the midst of her climax.

She writes mindlessly, most likely jotting down the wrong information, but not really caring as she just lets her mind drift. She wonders if Olivia is thinking the same thing, or something similar. She wonders if the brunette regrets their time together.

 _Of course she does. She wouldn't have cut it off if she didn't._

She can't take just sitting here. But she can't go into the older woman's office. She'd complied easily yesterday, and the more she thinks about how she just let it happen, the more she regrets not fighting. Of course it was the most amazing experience of her life, of course it made everything different. She needed-

"Rollins, Fin… Vic at Mercy. Go.."

Olivia's honey voice, laced with command and authority cuts through her inner thoughts. She drops the pen in her hand, pushing out of her chair quickly. "I'll drive," She grouses, grabbing her jacket and brushing past Fin.

 _I'm your boss._ The words ring through her ears like a bad song.

Without thinking, she looks over her shoulder, "See you later, _boss."_ Ignoring the way Olivia's features fall.

…

Amanda grips the steering wheel tightly, most likely causing her knuckles to flush white. She ignores the curious gaze of her partner and drives silently to the hospital. She knows that her words were uncalled for, unprofessional, childish, but she couldn't help it. They're adults… If they wanted a relationship, they could have one. Simple as that.

But deep down inside, she knows Olivia's right to break their one time tryst off.

"You sure you're alright, Amanda?" Fin asks, bringing her back to reality. "You been zonin' off more than usual." The jibes, a smirk on his lips.

She appreciates his concern. She really does. But how is she supposed to tell him that she fucked their boss and now it's awkward? _Oh, nothing's wrong… I just spent all afternoon yesterday making Olivia come but now we have to stick to being coworkers so it's awkward._

"Yeah, Fin, really… I'm okay. Just workin' through some things, but it'll be fine." She drops one hand to her thigh in effort to show that she's perfectly relaxed, but the way she shifts uncomfortably in her seat tells a different story.

He lets it go though, and it's all she can ask for right now.

They pull up to the hospital, parking in a spot near the entrance, and get out silently. They're done with personal things now, back to the case. She feels a sense of relief as they make their way into the busy hospital; she won't have to try so hard to focus on something other than Olivia. Because as soon as they step foot in the victim's room, nothing else matters.

 **I know, not a lot of Rolivia action- but trust me.. It's coming. Let me know what you think of this! I sure hope it's all making sense lol. If you have any suggestions on what you'd like to see for this new story. I'm 100% open to suggestions!**

 **Anna**


	3. Chapter 3

**So I'm not seeing a lot of responses to this story.. Please let me know if I should continue and not.**

 **Although I do mention a case in this story, it won't be case-driven. I'm not good at those lol. Here's a little bit of Olivia's POV, so we get the full affect of what both women are feeling.**

 _She tells herself that she's not nervous. It's just her boss, this is just a friendly meeting between two colleagues. If it were somewhere public, she'd most likely be professional, polite, to the point, so there's no reason not be be professional_ now _. She's knocking on Lieutenant Benson's apartment door, waiting for the older woman to answer._

 _Just act normal._

 _The door swings open and Olivia moves to the side, a tight smile on her plump lips. "Good to see you," She offers, hand held out as she waits for the younger woman to remove her jacket. It's late morning, and the frigid air had made the tip of Amanda's nose and cheeks pink with blush._

 _She takes a moment to look around the modern apartment while Olivia hangs her coat. There's pictures; lots of them. But they don't have any people in them, just architecture and flowers. It looks completely different from when she was here the last time. But Brian was also living here._

 _She cringes at the thought of Olivia sharing a home with that man. She tries to picture a domestic woman, one who stays home and reads, cooks meals, cleans, curls up on the couch for a movie marathon, and it draws an image to the forefront of her brain._

 _An image of Olivia's head leaning on her shoulder as they cuddle on a lazy sunday afternoon._

" _Hey, did you hear what I said?" The older woman's smooth voice pulls her back._

" _Sorry, no.." She replies meekly, a smile tugging at her lips._

 _The brunette lets out a chuckle and motions toward the couch, "I said, why don't you sit and I'll make some tea. Do you like mint and honey?"_

" _Sure, but I'll help." She offers, following her boss to the kitchen. They haven't talked about why exactly Amanda's here, nor do they want to. It's a mutual understanding that it's just something that needs to happen. Neither question it._

 _She leans against the counter as Olivia retrieves two mugs, and it's not until the other woman turns around when she realizes how close they are. There's maybe two feet separating them and that's it._

 _They lock eyes and Olivia sets her mug down onto the countertop slowly, brown eyes delving curiously into blue ones._

 _And then it happens in a second._

 _Their bodies are pressed together, lips too, but it's not frantic. It's long awaited. Careful. They're testing these new waters slowly, lips rubbing together as if feeling for the first time._

 _Amanda's the first to pull away, mouth agape in shock. "Um.." She mutters, eyes darting around the room for anything to ease the situation. Nothing. "Did that.. I didn't mean for that to happen." She finishes sheepishly._

" _I don't think either of us did.." The brunette mutters softly, biting her lip. Her eyes dip to the other woman's lips briefly, before going back to her eyes._

" _Can I do it again?" Amanda blurts suddenly. She really wants to do it again._

 _Olivia purses her lips, features pulled together in concentration. Amanda's about to pull back when she feels fingers slip onto her cheeks. And before their lips are pressed together once again, she hears a velvety voice whisper._

" _Yes."_

…

There's nobody to blame but herself in this situation, Olivia thinks. Of course Amanda would be upset. They had sex, told each other things, spent time together intimately, and then she'd cut it off. So even if the biting words left Amanda's mouth when she left the precinct earlier that day stung, she'd let it go because it's what she deserves.

They. Can't. Be. Together.

There's no need to reason it.

But that doesn't stop her mind from wandering, her eyes from watching the younger woman, her thoughts from lingering on their time together. She won't deny that it happened, that she desperately wants it to happen again. There's no use in denying it, they've already acted on their feelings.

There's an rap on her door and she looks up from the top of her desk, which has been her focal point for the past twenty minutes, and watches as her youngest detective makes his way in. "What's up, Carisi?" She asks, slipping her glasses off.

"Fin and Amanda just called, they have an ID on the girl. Her name is Selena Reyes."

"Okay, do we know who assaulted her?" She stands up, thankful for the temporary distraction.

"Amanda said that the girl was pretty shaken up, but was able to describe her attacker. Tall, dark hair and eyes, a couple'a neck tattoos.. I'll start digging now."

The older woman nods, following Sonny out of her office and into the bustling bullpen. She looks over to Amanda's desk, seeing the spew of paperwork and her laptop. She feels the longing deep in her belly.

They can't be together, but that sure doesn't stop the ache in her heart.

…

Fin and Amanda return a few hours later with enough information to at least make a lead worth pursuing. She scans the bullpen for Olivia, sighing in relief. She'll admit- to herself, only- that she's not ready to face the woman just yet.

For the next hour, she busies herself with work. She's nearly forgotten about the day before. _Nearly._ It'll always be at the back of her mind.

She's talking with Sonny about the perp, following up on leads with the victim's social media, when someone clears their throat. Blue eyes turn up to see Olivia standing in the doorway of her office. There's an electricity when their eyes meet. It's always been there, Amanda realizes, it's just that now, she knows exactly what it means. "Lieu?" She asks warily, a blonde eyebrow arched.

"Can I talk to you in my office for a moment?"

She really wants to say no. To say that she's a little busy, but everyone, for some reason, is focused on the interaction between them. So she stands up instead.

She avoids the blazing gaze of her colleague and steps into the office. "Did I do somethin' wrong, Lieutenant?" She asks, keeping her tone professional and curt.

"No," Olivia replies, closing the door. The blinds are mostly closed, but she knows that if someone were to really look, they'd see what's going on. They'd see the rigidness in both women, the impalpable connection between them. She's sure of it.

They keep their distance from each other, but their eyes lock.

 _Oh, how you look at me. Please don't look at me like that. I'm trying really hard not to break._

"I wanted to apologize-" Olivia starts, but it nearly send Amanda into a lapse in strength.

"No need." She cuts in, "You were right at the diner. Nothing can happen." She gives the older woman a tight lipped smile, hoping to show that she understands. Even if it's a lie.

"Right.." Olivia nods, leaning against her desk. She presses her fingertips into the fabric of her slacks, into her supple thighs. Amanda watches the action for a moment, but returns her eyes to the brown ones in front of her as the older woman continues. "I just… I really don't want things to be.. Awkward. Despite what we told each other yesterday at my apartment.. I don't want things to change.. We were doing well." She pleads with her soft eyes, and the blonde nearly throws that bone the brunette is begging for.

"Sure, sure. So, what? You want me to come over _again?_ Girl's day? Nails?" She doesn't know where this is coming from, but it's unleashed. If this is the talk Olivia wanted to have when she called her in, then so be it. Amanda'll give her that talk.

"Amanda-"

"You want us to be best friends? We can forget about fuc- the sex, and just continue on as before." She's scarily calm.

"That's not what I said, Amanda, and you know it. We still have to _work together,_ we still need to be able to talk to one another without.. Without _this_ happening." She snaps back, standing up straight.

"So.. we'll work together, _boss._ We can do that just fine. As for being _friends?..."_ She scoffs, shaking her head with a sad smile.

Olivia narrows her eyes. "What are you saying?"

 _Don't say it, Amanda. Don't go there. Don't let hurt feelings destroy this._

"I'm saying.." Amanda starts, stepping closer to the older woman. She can see the way Olivia's eyes glaze over, the weariness and fear that's slowly making their way into chocolaty brown pools. "You don't want to see where.. See where yesterday might have taken us together.. So I don't want to be anything more than work colleagues." She chokes out, eyes hardening.

 _Out of line, Amanda. Even for you._

Olivia's mouth drops open, she steps back. She looks like she was slapped in the face. It's a look that nearly cripples the blonde. She wants to take those venomous words back immediately, pull Olivia into her arms and kiss her until they don't sting anymore. But she doesn't.

She clears her throat and buries her hands in her back pockets. "If that's all, I'd like to get back to work now." She mutters quietly.

"Yeah. That's all." Olivia rasps, voice wavering.

Amanda turns to leave, grips the handle, and before she can open the door, her guilt wins out. She sighs, turning around, "Liv.. I didn't mean-"

"You can go now." Olivia interrupts, not even attempting to hide the tears that have formed on her waterline.

Amanda turns then, not hesitating as she opens the door and walks briskly to her desk. She tells herself that this is for the best, distance is what'll help keep the desire and yearning at bay, but deep down, she knows that it's bullshit.

If anything, this made her need for Olivia just that much deeper.

 **Angsty! I was contemplating actually removing all that angsty nonsense but I figured it'll make for a better plot! More intense when they finally reunite ;) You know what my muse for this story is? Any song from- you guessed it- Cigarettes After Sex. You can thank that band for this little number. Let little old me know what you think of this chapter. More soon!**

 **Anna**


	4. Chapter 4

**Let me know what you think. :)**

 **Chapter 4**

 _Lips move on their own accord, hands too, and hearts draw closer together, beating frantically as one. The sweetness of Amand's kisses are intoxicating, her warm tongue drawing shapes inside of the brunette's mouth like an artist._

 _Somehow, the older woman never doubted that it would be just like this._

 _Olivia's breathing picks up, and with it, so does the kiss. They're making out like teens in the middle of her kitchen, and it's incredibly beautiful._

 _Olivia never knew what a real connection felt like until this very moment. The blonde's arm slips around her new lover's waist, holding them both firmly to the ground. Surely if she let go, they'd float away._

 _It's so sweet._

 _They stumble to the bedroom, completely unaware of just how many thing they're knocking over. Neither care. They're too caught up in their kisses._

 _Clothing is shed on the way, strewn in various places around the apartment, down the hall, and on the bedroom floor. Amanda runs her fingers through Olivia's soft brown hair, tugging lightly and pulling her head back. They breathe then- hot exhales mixing and silence filling the space between them._

 _They don't know what to say, unsure if there's anything that_ _can_ _be said. What's about to be done is obviously against their moral codes, but this connection, this electric connection, is too strong to be broken._

 _So instead, Olivia lowers herself to the bed, tugs Amanda's fingers lightly, parts her legs and whispers softly. "Show me how you feel." …_

Shivers run up and down her spine and she sits up in bed quickly. She feels a wet heat between her legs, she knows why it's there.

It wasn't a dream. It was a memory. And it was extremely vivid. Like watching a video.

Olivia leans forward, fingers sliding through her bed tousled hair, and lets out a shaky sigh. Despite the toxic words Amanda had spoken to her, she still can't stop her head from visiting their shared time.

Throughout her years as a seasoned cop, she's rarely doubted herself. Her instincts. The choices she's made. She knows, has always known, that if it's her first thought, then it surely means something.

But thinking about Amanda, the way she tasted and felt and moaned… Thinking about _that_ truly makes her doubt her decision to permanently end any thought of continuing their tryst.

She slips out of bed, ignoring the clock that tells her how crazy she is for getting up at this god forsaken hour, and pads into her bathroom.

Without a second thought, she sheds out of her nightwear, then turns the shower on the hottest it can go without scalding her flesh, and waits in front of the body length mirror while the water heats up.

And then she sees them.

Faint marks on her breasts, red and purple painting her skin. Soft, fading red streaks lining her hips to the tops of her thighs. She remembers- quite vividly- how crazed Amanda had turned the moment her mouth met the brunette's sex; which in turn had caused her short nails to drag down the supple flesh as she devoured away.

Olivia shivers once again, feeling the collection of moisture gather between her legs.

She takes a deep breath and steps into the shower, lips parting as the cascading water drenches her hair and body. It burns, but it's not painful.

She closes her eyes and tips her head back, letting the stream make its path down her front, over her breasts, dipping between her quivering thighs, down her legs and into the drain.

She doesn't know how she's going to handle working with Amanda- being in a proximity as close as they are on a daily basis. She'll need to come up with a solution. Something to quell her desire long enough to actually get work done.

Her eyelids slide open, revealing clouded brown eyes, and she gazes at the removable showerhead.

It's been awhile since she's done _that._

She grasps the stainless steel appliance, unhooking it from it's mount and bringing it down, level with her chest. She lets it wash over her breasts and torso for a few moments as she assesses her options.

It's either this, or break the rules.

So she changes the spray setting to pulse, presses her palm against the cool brown tile, and brings the showerhead to the overheated juncture of her thighs.

She nearly collapsed as the torrent of water hits directly against her clit, and she lunges forward, pressing her forehead against the wall alongside her hand.

And then she lets the water take her to a duller version of that place that Amanda had brought her to so many times, only a few days before.

…

The next day at work proves to be just as hard- maybe harder- as the day before. Both women seem content on keeping their focus on the case, on finding Selena Reyes' attacker, and nothing else. The tension is thick, so thick that Amanda's sure Sonny and Fin are even wading through it.

Olivia's avoided her completely save for the brief conversations and updates on the case, and she hasn't done much better. With contact.

 _You hurt her, Amanda. Deliberately. Even after she'd asked for friendship and comfortableness at work; of course she's going to ignore you._

At least the older woman had been trying yesterday, she'd done the adult thing and confronted the elephant in the room. It just proves how right Olivia was when she cut it off. There's an obvious line between Superior and Subordinate. Now more than ever.

"Manda, we got'n ID. Santiago Montes. Let's go pick the prick up, yeah?" Fin tilted his head in the direction of the exit, and the blonde nods wordlessly. Slipping on her coat and following her partner to the elevators.

They wait quietly for the doors to open. As soon as they're on, the older man turns toward her. "You know, I've known Liv for a long time now." He starts, leaning against the wall. He doesn't wait for the younger woman to respond; instead, he smirks. "I saw the way she was when Elliot left. I hadn't seen her that closed off in all my years of workin' with her."

She's getting irritated with his not-so-subtle prodding. "Okay.." She grits. She knows where this is going.

"She doesn't hurt easily, is what I'm trying to say." He says.

"Stay out of it, Fin. Please. Nothin' happened." She's bad at lying, she knows it, he knows it, so she relies on her ability to sound menacing.

"I'm not sayin' anything did.. I'm just lettin' you know that.. If something _did_ happen.. You should try and work it out. At least for the sake of all the poor souls in there that keep slippin' on all that iciness." He smirks, hoping to gauge a lighter reaction from his partner, and is genuinely relieved when she cracks a small smile too.

"Copy that, partner." She mutters softly, brushing past him and out of the elevator when the doors slide open. The conversation is over now, because he knows when to not push, and she's _still_ forever thankful for that.

 _You're alright, Fin._

…

"Good work, guys," Olivia congratulates, a small smile tugging at her lips. They closed the case, nailing Santiago on a drug charge, and then furthering the sentence when the wannabe gangster brags about what he'd done to Selena.

They're all glad that it was mostly an open-and-shut case, but something in the blonde wishes she still had something drastic, urgent like a case, to focus on. Because the more Fin's words resonate in her head, the worse she feels about what she'd said, and the more she want's to beg Olivia for forgiveness and accept the offer of friendship.

Maybe she should apologize. It would be the right thing to do.

She mutters a soft 'thank's lieu,' and watches as the older woman's eyes drift hesitantly toward her. So much has happened in the past few days, so much drama and emotion. She almost feels like waiting another few days to apologize, knowing that if she gives Olivia time to cool off, it'll be easier to confront her. But then again, it _shouldn't_ be easy. What she said was wrong, what she did was childish. If she truly has feelings for Olivia, then there should be no question as to whether or not the older woman should be in her life as a friend, if not a lover.

And boy, does she have feelings.

She looks around, seeing that the guys are talking to a few Uni's and then turns her head back towards Olivia's office. The door is ajar. The blinds are shut.. Now's the best time to go apologize.

She shakes off her nerves and stands up, walking briskly towards the office, ignoring Fin's curious eyes.

Olivia doesn't look up from her laptop, probably unknowing of the presence in her office. So the younger woman closes the door lightly, causing the other woman's eyes to shoot up. It's not even moments before she sees brown orbs hardening behind black frames. She's sure that the hurt that was clouding them yesterday, had turned into anger.

"Can I talk to you for a moment?"

The brunette assess her detective, lips pressing together in a thin line, and she stands up. Although Olivia's only a few inches taller than her, the younger woman feels miniscule standing next to her boss.

"What do you need, Rollins?" Ice and walls. That's all she hears. The ice covered walls that the other woman had no doubtedly built around her overnight.

"I wanted to apologize." Amanda replies, fingers twisting together. She desperately wants to thaw that ice, be the one to clean up the surrounding water, be Olivia's.. _Friend._ "What I said yesterday was.. Childish.. Out of line.. And-"

"I can understand why you felt you had to say it." Olivia cuts in, surprising the blonde. Of course she'd be understanding. It's the Olivia Benson way.

"Even so." Amanda shakes her head, eyes cast to the carpeted floor. "I haven't been able to.. To get what happened between us out of my head.. And yesterday, when you asked if we could continue on as before, I just… It sounded like you wanted to forget that it ever happened." She confesses, quite pathetically, while her blue gaze remains glued to Olivia's heels. The only safe place to look without being sent into another flashback of that afternoon.

"I told you.." Olivia rasps, "I told you how I felt about you and what that day meant to me.. Why would I regret it?" She tries desperately to hold herself together, but the thick, raw emotion in her boss' voice is enough to send her into a breakdown.

Olivia steps closer, fingers grasping at the younger woman's chin lightly, but firmly, "Do you know what would happen if we continued what we started, Amanda?" She asks, hot breath puffing onto the younger woman's lips. "I wouldn't be able to control myself around you- I'm barely holding on _now._ We'd get found out in an instant. And then our jobs are as good as gone."

She knows. Amanda knows all of this. That doesn't make it easier.

"I asked to stay friends because I like having you in my life. I like having someone who I can relate to. And as much as I.. _liked.._ What you did to me.. My body.. What we did together.. I just.. I don't know that it's worth risking our jobs over.." Her honey voice washes over the younger woman, a tidal wave of yearning and sweet memories.

She steps closer, fingers hesitantly brushing against Olivia's waist. Her eyes wander to plump lips, and she can feel her nerves tingle where the older woman's touch had been on her chin. "I know.." She whispers. "I know, Liv…" Their eyes connect, and she want's to spill her guts to this woman in front of her. It's worth it to Amanda. She'd risk it for Olivia. Only Olivia. "Liv, I'm in lo-"

Fingertips press roughly against her lips, and her eyes widen.

"Don't.. Say it.." Shaky voice. Quivering breath. "I think you should go back out there, now."

The blonde is stunned into silence, but she nods, stepping back. She hasn't let out a single breath. She doesn't think she ever will be able to again. She walks out of the office without looking at her boss. Instead she walks over to her desk, grabs her purse and jacket, and leaves. She ignores the questioning gazes as she walks out of the 1-6.

There's a pack of cigarettes in her car that's desperate for some attention.

 **I don't know where this is going lol. I'm thinking of what happens next as I write. So hopefully this is still good. Leave a review and let me know what y'all think.**

 **Anna**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

 _Her back arches, bowing almost completely off the bed and she tugs roughly at the soft head of hair between her legs. This is almost_ _too good_ _to be happening. She's ready to explode, she can feel the impending climax torpedoing through her body. But just as she's about to let go, the ministrations between her thighs stop and she hears her lover mutter, "Don't come yet. I'm not done with you."_

 _And then it's back; Amanda's hot mouth and tongue working her body like she's done this a million times before. Her eyes flutter closed, and within the pitch blackness from behind her eyelids, shines thousands of stars, exploding and swirling around._

 _She reaches up to press a hand flat against the wooden headboard, and pushes while pulling Amanda's head closer with the other hand._

 _She's crazy if she thinks I can hold out._

" _Amanda…" Olivia whimpers, thighs clenching around the younger woman's head. "I'm gonna come." She's not asking or warning, she's telling. "Don't stop."_

" _I told you not to come yet." The blonde replies smugly, pushing two fingers inside her lover._

" _You make it hard not to when you do tha-ahhh-" A third finger is added and coherent sentences are officially off the table. The detective is quickly turning her lieutenant into a pile of liquid. "Fu-uck."_

 _With a rough curl of three fingers, a hard suck, the older woman is throttled over the edge._

 _Her eyes widen and she rockets up off of the bed, mouth agape and ragged breaths escaping._

 _Her body feels numb, a dull vibration of aftershock makes itself known, and she quivers as the younger woman extracts her fingers. Nothing's ever been like this. Sex has never been this raw and intense, and this_ _good._ _She doesn't know what to say or where they should go from here, but all she wants in this moment, right now, is to be next to Amanda, looking into those soft blue eyes and reveling in the sweet aftermath of their passion._

 _No need to call it what it is, just yet._

 _She feels the bed shift and she half expects Amanda to crawl up the bed and curl up with her, but instead, she feels the other woman slip off of it and pad towards her jeans. And then worry floods over her. She sits up on her elbows and bites her lip. She can tell that her new lover is about to get dressed and leave. She can see it in her body language. And_ _god_ _, she does not want that._

" _Come back here." Olivia husks, causing the younger woman to stop. She watches as Amanda pulls something out of her pocket, then drop the pair of jeans._

 _Just as Amanda grabs a candle off of her dresser, her favorite caramel and vanilla scented one, the younger woman turns around, lighter posed at the wick of the candle. "I'm not going anywhere." She mutters, finally setting the slightly burnt wick alight._

 _The blonde sets the candle, along with the lighter, on the side table next to Olivia, then slips back in bed._

 _Olivia smiles shyly, turning to lay half on top of the other woman, a leg tucked between Amanda's. They look at each other for a long while, saying with their eyes what can't be spoken aloud._

 _And then Olivia leans down, pressing her lips softly against the younger woman's. They kiss, inhaling the scent of each other and the sweet candle. Nothing can be more perfect. Nothing._

…

Olivia doesn't know how things can get _more_ complicated, but somehow they do, and it's overwhelming for her. One day, they're having sex in her apartment, the next, they're saying mean things, then the next, feelings of love are almost let out. Now, almost three days after their last confrontation, nothing's changed, it's still incredibly tense between them.

Everything that she didn't want to happen between them after that sunday afternoon, is happening, and she's quickly questioning why she put a stop to it in the first place. Surely continuing what they'd started would be easier that what's going on _now._

She sighs and stretches out on the couch, hoping that maybe, her thoughts and nerves will calm down. Of course, she's kidding herself. This isn't how she's supposed to feel, she hasn't felt like this for anyone, not Brian or Ed or even Elliot.

 _If you love her so much, why won't you just give in?_

Her mind is running a mile a minute, and there's really only one thing she can think of doing. And that's confronting the issue head-on.

…

Amanda downs the last of her beer, setting the bottle on the coffee table with a soft thud. She feels incredibly pathetic, even days later, for what she'd nearly told Olivia.

 _Liv, I'm in love with you._

Of course the older woman wouldn't want to hear it. She didn't want a relationship, so she didn't want to hear a confession of love.

But it _still_ doesn't change the fact that she's in love. And it's painful as hell. The last thing she wanted was for this to turn out like it has. Of course she wants Olivia to know how she feels, but she doesn't want the pain to come with it.

She sighs and stands up, tightening her robe and grabbing the empty beer bottle. Sitting and dwelling on what'll never happen won't help her feel better, or even do anything productive. It'll just cause more problems in her head. She's trying to get _over_ Olivia.

Just as she disposes the bottle in her recycle bin, she hears a knock on her front door. And it's as if she can sense who's on the other side. She swallows thickly, padding towards the door, and takes a deep breath.

Expect everything and nothing.

Sure enough, Olivia is standing there, eyes full of so many emotions. It's intoxicating, being this close to the woman she craves every moment of every day. It's enough to cure whatever doubt and sadness she has. Olivia's the only answer. She just wishes the feelings were mutual.

"Lieutenant.." Amanda feigns shock, wrapping her arms around her waist protectively. "What can I do for you?"

"Can I come in, Amanda?"

 _Amanda. This is personal._

She wants to say no, she really does, but she's crazy if she thinks she can deny Olivia of anything. She doesn't verbalize her consent though, instead she steps aside and widens the door, letting the older woman know that she's welcome.

 _Keep control. You know how to be alone with her._

She doesn't speak, instead, just lets Olivia take in her surroundings, muster up whatever strength she looks like she needs.

"Listen…" The brunette begins, "When you came over last sunday.. The last thing I was expecting was to fall into bed with you.." She takes a deep breath, shucking off her jacket and laying it on the arm of a lounge chair before continuing. "When we kissed.. I just.. Something in me changed.. And I realized that I wanted whatever was going to happen.. To happen."

Amanda nods, walking over to the couch and sitting down. "I sometimes wish.. That it didn't.." She admits, noticing the way the older woman's shoulders drop. "Only because of how I feel _now_.. This is all just a big mess." She offers a slight smile before looking down at the hem of her robe. "I don't regret being with you though. That was the best day of my existence."

Olivia moves to sit next to the blonde, being sure to keep distance, but close enough to create a comfort between them. "I can't stop thinking about it. When I'm not distracting myself, it's all I can see." She takes a deep breath and scoots closer. "Look, I know that… that I said that we can't be together.. But.. I _hate_ feeling like this. I've never wanted anyone so much."

Amanda shakes her head and stands up, fingers running through tousled blonde hair. "Olivia, you can't say things like this to me.. It's torture."

"I know.. I know, and I'm sorry, but this is killing me too." The taller woman stands up and makes her way over to Amanda, eyes shining with sadness and unshed tears. "You have to know that if there was something that I could do to make all of this better, it would be done.." She whispers, taking the younger woman's hands in hers and squeezing softly. "I know what you were going to say the other day.."

"C'mon, Liv, let's not go there.." Amanda turns her head away, unable to withstand the sight of this woman in front of her, nearing her breaking point. "I told you that I understand why we can't do this… What more do you want?"

It's quiet between them for a few moments, Amanda is looking at the floor and Olivia is looking at Amanda.

"For so long," Olivia starts, not bothering to let go of the other woman's hands. "I've given everything I had to this job. I've lost friends, family, lovers.. Partners… I give and give and give and, for the most part, I'm happy to do it. For the victims and their families.. But once in awhile.. I'd just like to.. To _take."_

Those words draw Amanda's eyes from the floor up to blazing brown ones, and she sees a new emotion in them. One she can't place. "Take what?" She asks quietly, unsure if she even wants to know.

"To take what I want. Don't you think I've earned that?"

Amanda gulps, and in moments, she feels herself being pushed back. She moves with Olivia, slowly until she feels the counter pressing into her lower back. "Olivia.."

"I just want to be selfish for a change.." The older woman keeps going, not paying much attention to the trepidity in her detective's voice.

"Olivia.." Amanda tries again, fingers slipping out of Olivia's and coming up to touch the other woman's shoulders softly. "Liv, have you thought about what you're saying right now?" She asks, hoping that Olivia isn't drunk or just not thinking clearly.

"All the time, Amanda. I think about this all the time."

Somehow, their bodies are closer now, and Olivia's hands aren't dormant at their sides, but now cupping the younger woman's cheeks softly. "I've been fighting this internal battle.. I know that it's wrong to want this so badly, and even though I tried to stop thinking about it, I _can't_." Amanda feels Olivia's breasts pressed against hers now, feels slender fingers trail from her cheek to her neck, stopping at her upper chest. "And why go against the stream, hm?" Olivia's voice has softened to a warm murmur, honey coated words drifting in and out of Amanda's head, and it's overwhelming. "Why not just let it… _take you..?"_

"What about work?" Amanda whispers, parting her lips as the other woman's thumb brushes over them.

"Work can stay work. I'm not going to let it control my outside life anymore. I'm too old for this." She leans in and brushes her tongue over the patch of skin her thumb just touched, garnering a light whimper from the blonde. "Will you be selfish with me, Amanda?"

And finally, after a week of torn feelings and mixed emotions, Amanda lets all of it go and crashes her lips onto Olivia's. She knows that there'll be different feelings afterwards, that they'll have too much time to think about what they're agreeing to, but she doesn't care.

She's in love.

Amanda inhales through her nose as she cups the back of Olivia's head, taking in the way the older woman smells. And it's exactly how she remembers the brunette smelled their first time together.

They part, lips popping at separation, and Amanda shakes her head. "Please, Liv.. I need you to be sure.. I can't do this if you're going to run again.."

The older woman lets out a deep breath, eyes slipping closed. "I can't promise that I won't _want_ to run. Because this is all very new for me.. But I know what I want, Amanda.. And god help me.. I want _you."_

 **It's not over yet, people. :) I think that the next chapter will pick up where this one leaves off. Things aren't going to be so easy all the time. Remember.. A flame was set alight in the beginning, and you're crazy if you think they'll be able to tame it while at work. Gonna be a bumpy ride.**

 **Leave a comment about what you'd like to see, and what you liked about this chapter! There'll be more soon!**

 **Anna**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

"Affairs never end well."

The soft words bring her back from the brink of sleep, and she turns over, sheets gliding over her silken legs. Olivia had spoken so quietly, the younger woman almost didn't even hear them. Her eyes refocus, and she blinks the sleep away.

"Is that what this is?" She whispers, scooting closer to the warm body next to her. Not long after their kiss, they'd found themselves rushing to the bedroom, a reperformance of several nights before. It was, as Amanda expected, just as earth-shattering as the time before.

"Whatever you want to call this.. These things never end well." There's a tone in her voice that resembles ice and the blonde cringes. She half expected Olivia to be gone by now, so this is progress, but very little.

"Then why did you come back and restart it?" The detective snaps, sitting up and wrapping the sheet around her nude body. Her eyes are wild and full of wariness and arousal and fear. "Look, I know you're scared, I know you're going to try and be cautious, but I can't do _this_ every time. Either you're in this with me or.. Or you can show yourself out and forget all about it."

The brunette's eyes water and she runs her fingers through her sex tangled hair. The blanket slips down her torso and exposes her breasts, and the younger woman nearly forgets what they're talking about. "Olivia," She chokes, leaning down with one arm on either side of Olivia's head. "I'm scared too.. And I don't know what's going to happen… But I _do_ know that what I feel for you is real and something this real shouldn't _not_ happen."

Without hesitation, she speaks again. "And.. I would transfer out if I knew that you and I would be a permanent thing. In a heartbeat."

Olivia removes her hands, eyes wide as she looks up at the woman hovering above her. "Amanda-"

The blonde places her lips on Olivia's, effectively silencing her. "Truly." Amanda whispers against plump lips, tongue darting out to taste a hint of salt; most likely from tears.

The sheet disappears from in between them, and then it's just skin. Pressed intimately together, heat and softness and curves tangling and becoming one. Olivia arches her neck and her eyes flutter shut as Amanda presses soft, wet kisses to her neck. "I don't want it to come to that, though." The older woman whispers, fingers dragging down the other woman's shoulders and back.

"I don't either," Amanda replies, kissing her way down Olivia's body. Over her breasts and around her nipples, avoiding the most sensitive zones on purpose. "But I can do any job… I can't get _this.._ With you.. Anywhere else." She murmurs softly, sucking the skin of her lover's hips and pelvis into her mouth, most likely creating more love marks.

The younger woman is surprised when she's suddenly flipped onto her back, her lieutenant pinning her to the bed. "You're right." She whispers, pushing Amanda's legs apart with her own. "I want this. You."

"I want you to make love to me."

Olivia's eyebrows shoot up and she smiles slightly, taking note of the other woman's cheeks, which are now flushing pink with embarrassment. "I mean.. You uh.. You don't have to be in love to make love to me.." She offers, biting her bottom lip.

The brunette leans down and kisses Amanda softly, lips brushing over the other woman's briefly before she pulls away. "I'm going to make love to you, Amanda." She assures, kissing a sweet trail down her body, smiling brown eyes never leaving cloudy blue ones.

…

"Do you think if we do it enough times now, that we'll be able to concentrate at work tomorrow?" Amanda asks absentmindedly, head resting on Olivia's lower belly. Her fingers come up and trace the soft skin of the older woman's pelvis, dipping lower into trimmed, dark curls. "You know.. Get it out of our system?"

Olivia's breath picks up as Amanda touches her, and she parts her legs. "Well," She breathes, "If I'm speaking for myself, then I highly doubt it…" Her lips part in a soft moan as the younger woman pushes two fingers inside, "What you do to my body is _unreal."_ The brunette chokes, head tilting to the side to watch.

Amanda adjusts her body, pulling on of Olivia's legs up so she can slide up in between them, and she continues to watch as her fingers disappear inside of the other woman's slick heat. She uses the thumb of her other hand to press down firmly and rub Olivia's clit. "What your body does to _me_ is unreal _.._ " Amanda counters, licking her lips. She adds a third finger, feeling the tightness of the older woman's muscles stretching around her digits, and she's mesmerized. "God, Olivia I could watch you come all day."

The brunette says nothing, is unable to speak coherently as Amanda works her inner walls expertly with her fingers.

The blonde is simply mesmerized by the way Olivia moves, the sounds she makes and the way she smells. She doesn't know how she's gone this long without _this,_ but the thought of having to go without it now, is nearly crippling. She wants more than anything for this to work out with Olivia.

Moments later, the older woman is coming apart, mouth dropping open in a silent, but intense moan, and her shapely thighs clench together, effectively trapping the younger woman's hand in between them.

"I want to listen to music." Olivia blurts, and it sends the other woman into a fit of laughter. " _What?"_ The brunette asks, a small smile on her lips. Her skin is flushed, bronzed flesh covered in a light sheen of sweat. "I happen to love listening to music in bed."

"I'm just laughing because that's the last thing I expected you to say after I made you come." Amanda replies, moving up to lay beside her lover.

The lieutenant rolls over, body covering Amanda's and she reaches for the speaker remote on the side table. She hits the play button and sets it down, and in moments, the room is filled with the soft, romantic sound of _How Deep Is Your Love_ by The Bee Gees.

"How deep is your love, Olivia?" Amanda asks softly, wrapping her arms around the older woman's neck, keeping her on top. "I _really_ mean to learn…"

They kiss soundly, not making any moves to deepen it, both content with just this.

When Olivia pulls away, she can see conflict in the other woman's eyes. "What's wrong?" She whispers.

"What about work, Liv? If this.. I'm serious about transferring out.. If it means that you and I can be together, I'll do it." She doesn't want to go through what had happened after their first time ever again. Even the few long days was too much.

"Let's give it a few days.. Two weeks at most, and then we'll talk about disclosing.." Amanda's not oblivious to the way the older woman's voice quivers, but she doesn't push. This is already a large step for Olivia.

"One step at a time." Amanda nods, running her fingers through Olivia's soft brown hair.

"Let's see how we navigate work now that we've started this first." Olivia smiles softly, nervously.

"Whatever you want, Liv."

The older woman bites her lip before she leans down and presses her lips against Amanda's. It's the end of their conversation for now. She dips her tongue into her mouth and swirls it around, tasting the sweetness of Amanda's natural flavor. She pulls away with a slight pop, bottom lip nearly swollen from the action.

"I adore you, Amanda Rollins." Olivia whispers, dark eyes piercing into the other woman's blue ones.

 **I think maybe this is going to come to an end soon. It's not getting a lot of responses and I have no idea what to do with it. This can be a romantic/angsty short story, haha. Let me know if this is still any good.**

 **Anna**


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